Friday, January 13, 2012

Trying.

Life's been pretty fucking stressful, lately. I crashed my car and had to figure out how I was going to pay for repairs and a rental for the interim. I've been sharing a one-bedroom apartment with an infant, which has been... interesting. Every day I'm overwhelmed, trying to mentally budget sleep, transport, and finances.

But, I have an AMAZING boyfriend who actually finds JOY in making my life easier. He spoils me rotten in ways both tangible and intangible. He calls me every day, usually twice. He tells me jokes to distract me from my shitty circumstances, but has no problem holding my hand if I go to "the dark side". His affections are unsolicited and constant. He never misses an opportunity to tell me not just that he loves me, but why he loves me.
And he's constantly finding ways to give me reasons to think of him throughout the day. He sent me a sealed bag of his used t-shirts to sleep in, he gifted me 6 electronic volumes of Neil Gaiman's "Sandman" series, and bought me the lamest Valentine's Day Card ever - because he knew it would make me laugh. (Well, at least he THINKS it was the lamest Valentine's Day Card ever. I took his declaration as a challenge, and sent my rebuttal.)
I've gotta say, a shitty day can turn around pretty quickly when you come home to find a case of fancy root beer that he shipped, just because he thought you'd like it.
The fucker even sent me money, because he knew I was freaking out about paying for car repairs. That one was hard to swallow. I'm not going to lie, I kind of had a tear-filled panic attack when I found out. I never thought I'd be the type who needed rescue. My pride was bruised. But at the same time, I felt kind of confused and disoriented, because I never thought I'd find the type of Man who was motivated enough to want to try.
Direct Quote:

"Taking care of you is a delight. Everyone should be so blessed as to have someone like you to need them."

That's hard for me to respond to. I'm working on accepting that I deserve this. I'm doing quite well, by my own standards. He inspires me to want to try to be the person he sees me as. She sounds lovely.

So, I'm trying to take care of myself. (My roommate has helped, a lot.)
I now have a regular doctor, and I've been taking a pain management regime for two weeks. Funny enough, the prescribed (non-narcotic) painkillers end up costing me less than the OTC crap I've been eating like candy for the past year.
Today he started me on antidepressants. The one he prescribed is apparently supposed to help with my funks, social anxiety, and even binge-eating.

We'll see how this goes.

This should help me through the winter. Which is good. Because I KNOW that good things are coming for me in the spring. That lover of mine is flying down for an entire week toward the end of April. Suffice it to say, I'm pretty excited. We're going to a big Sci-Fi Con in Denver, and booking a room.

Every day he provides me with another piece of evidence as to just why he is the man for me.

He's 850 miles away, but I feel closer to him than... anyone... I've told him things I've never even admitted out loud.

We're fucked.

(It's totally worth it.)

1 comment:

Insia Fatima said...

Can I say that I'm happy for you? And I can totally understand the anxiety.