I am Amanda's Headache.

My head is fucking killing me. I spent the whole day with my stepmom, actually. I even had a good time. She took me out to Keva Juice... Twice (ah frivolity...) - and to Chipotle... Which is basically like cafeteria-line "gourmet" mexican food slopped together, yet somehow retaining its deliciousness.
I guess it was the biggest meal that I have had in a week.

I lost 5 pounds when I was sick, and haven't put it back on yet, because I have been living off of a predictable diet of one hot pocket and two cans of soda a day.

I guess it was nice to get something with quasi-real food in it. I don't go out often, because I feel guilty for spending money when I have debt.

I mean, new pillows have been on my shopping list for a month - and I can't bring myself to buy them because I feel guilty. My current pillows are disintegrating (5 year guarantee my ass...), and I wake up with such terrible neck-aches. That combined with the amount of time I spend staring at a computer screen a day (all of our calls are internet-routed) leads me to a migraine by day's end.

I was looking forward to going shopping with this paycheck - because it will be my first check where I officially got my full 40 hours, AND I only have a couple of bills due this pay period. I was fantasizing about real groceries (no more hot pockets, ramen, and homestyle bakes for me!) and about new memory foam pillows... Until I got my Verizon bill.

See, I have two phones in my name - neither of which are actually my phones. As fate would have it, my parents actually pay my cell bill. I never asked them to, and I have offered to pay them many times - but when I got fired from Redwood Coast and lost my company phone, my stepmom showed up on my doorstep with a brand-new sony ericson walkman slider phone with more features than I will ever need.
The Verizon phone was Frank's. He had a crappy plan - because he only ever texted, and never really (ever) talked. But the best that Verizon could give us was $50/month for about 300 minutes and 500 texts.
When we got out here, we were accosted by the salesmen at the T-mobile booth, and they talked us into getting Frank on a plan with Unlimited texting and IMing, for about $10 less/month. The phone was free, and we got two month's services for free... So we caved and went for it.
Frank said he would continue to pay the Verizon bill until the termination fee had pro-rated itself down to the equivalent of the monthly payment.

My little sister, Lisa, had a hard time when she got here. She got a job at Aeropostale that paid minimum wage and only gave her 5 hours a week. So she got a job at Sonic, and started going back to school... She crapped out on school after a few weeks, and then left Sonic to take a sexy receptionist's job for a tiling company... Then as it turned out, her boss was CRAZY... He beat up an employee on a job site, then fired her because she said it wasn't kosher. Once he realized he couldn't legally do that - he tried to say that he never fired her, that she just stopped showing up to work. Her final paycheck was several days late - and it bounced.
Yes, there is a lawsuit in the works.

So I let her have the Verizon phone for job-hunting purposes... So she had a point of contact for prospective employers to call.
And Frank, in a very un-frank-like manner, continued to pay the cell phone bill for her.
Last month I caught her downloading ringtones. I told her that wasn't okay - since she wasn't paying the bill, didn't have a job, and that the whole her having a cell phone attached to my credit was a FAVOR.
She went $15 over last month. I was pissed, but she tried to make up for it by getting me me some medicine for my backaches.

This month, the regularly $50 cell phone bill came in at
$258.29
As soon as I read it, I screamed "MOTHER-FUCKER!!!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs.

That is an entire paycheck to me. That is more than I pay for my share of fucking RENT and utilities COMBINED.
She went over her minutes by $150, AND purchased $50 worth of premium texting ringtones and games.

I started having a panic attack. Here I am, giddy that I just got a raise - that I am getting a full 40 hours a week... That I will be able to pay off my walmart card next week, and put $50 chunks down on my other cards... That I will be able to buy REAL groceries...
Lisa can't even pay her own rent, and you *know* Frank sure as hell won't pay that money. In the end, that debt is on MY credit report.
I cried.
I smoked cigarettes.
I seethed.
I met her outside in the parking lot as she pulled up.
I wanted to yank her out of the truck by her fucking hair and scream at her.

Lisa has NO sense of priorities. It doesn't bother her that her credit is in the shitter. She casually mentions that she received an "order to pay" notice from our landlords 5 days after rent was due.
I'm no fucking financial saint, but if I can't make rent (or any other bill for that matter) - I start having a panic attack two weeks before it is due. Then I bust ass and start selling my shit on Craigslist - offering to do housework for family members in exchange for money.
Dad co-signed with her on this apartment, and she has already been considerably late or short on payments TWICE.

This isn't some accidental "Oh shit - I went over my minutes a little... I'm so fucking sorry" deal.

This is Lisa doing what she does best: showing absolutely no respect or gratitude for the people that go out of their way to help her.
She fucking spent $50 on games for the phone! She took advantage of someone else's gesture of goodwill - and ran with it as far as she could take it.

I yelled at her. For probably the first time since we were little kids fighting over my Pink "Secret Treasures" bike.
Her eyes were wider than I have ever seen them.

I told her: "You DO NOT get to act surprised! You made data purchases! There is no way that you could have NOT known that buying games and ringtones would cost ME money! Do you even COMPREHEND what sort of situation you have put me in? This is an entire paycheck to me! This is what I pay for RENT! You consciously CHOSE blatant disregard for the favor that I have done for you!"

She tried telling me to stop freaking out and that she would pay for it... Which pissed me off more...

"How are you going to pay MY bills. You don't even pay your OWN."

Whenever she gets a little extra money, she spends it on groceries, and lamps and rugs and shit for the house - rather than making the slightest attempt to pay off the bills that she owes. Her insurance got canceled for non-payment. Her Crescent City Cell phone bill got canceled for non-payment. She says she called to have it canceled, but that is total bullshit. I'd bet the balance of that verizon bill that she never paid her final bill - let alone the termination fee.

Her boyfriend tried to calm me down, saying that he would pay it. He tried to take responsibility for the bill, saying that he was the one who ran it up - and that he was doing a side-construction-job, and he could pay this month and next month's bill. He really is a decent guy in that regard. But these $20/each phone calls were going to Crescent City... Where she is calling Jeremiah's Dad and talking for hours at a time. So I really just felt bad for him.

She knew she had limits. She KNEW that the phone was for necessary contact ONLY, not for chatting until the battery died. And she KNEW that I didn't want her buying games and ringtones that she had no way of paying for.

Its just total bullshit. Lisa has told me many-a-time that she looks up to me. She thinks I have my shit together. But the fact of the matter is: I DON'T have my shit together. I am very much fucked up and struggling. But seeing me in how I handle MY problems, must be setting the bar for her.
I feel terribly guilty for this. Its like, by leading a mediocre attempt at existence - I have led her to believe that mediocrity is a high-level aspiration... Allowing her to settle for piss-poor failure.

Its fucking hard. I don't want to even LOOK at her now, but she is the closest damned thing to a friend that I have here.

I can't handle providing an out-pouring of good-faith gestures only to be shit on, and I can't handle NOT having someone there to smoke-break and debrief with.

I could in theory go out to Sticks tonight with the coworkers... In fact, they are probably on their way there as I type this. But I feel that I will lead the rest of my existence in self-inflicted misery as penance for my sins.