Drama and other bullshit

So Frank is freaking out on me again. He does this every time... it is total bullshit. We were getting along so well, but then I started making new friends and spending less and less time with him SPECIFICALLY. I wasn't blowing him off entirely; we still hung out a couple of times a week.

I don't know what his problem is. It is almost as though he TRULY doesn't like me being happy - because when I am miserable, I am more likely to flee into his arms.

After several hours of hearing him tell me that I was a complete whore (because I won't sleep with him), and that he hopes I die of syphillis - I gave up and officially decided I was done. He gave back my belongings - including my wireless router. As such I have no home internet connection anymore.

Not wanting to play this game anymore, with the support of friends - I decided I would go back for ALL of my belongings. Pillows, blankets, towels, and yes - my SportSheets restraint system.

One of my AMAZING new friends, Panza, insisted in accompanying me - just in case it got violent. I was in tears at work, just absolutely ANGRY that I had momentarily allowed Frank to let me believe that I was anything less than a decent person for DARING to have friends.
Panza showed up with a flask of Rum, and a big hug.

We set off to the apartment to "get my shit", which somehow got us on an ICP kick. He drove in the lane next to me - blaring "I want my Shit!" loud enough for me to hear. And apparently, doing 50 mph and hearing a viking in the next lane screaming "I said Faygo, FUCK Mountain Dew!" is JUST the thing to pull me out of a completely shitty mood. I laughed so hard I thought I would crash...

He came with me to get my stuff, and afterwards we drove all around town until the wee hours of the morning. We exchanged stories at the Waffle House... He drove me around The Broadmoor (super-expensive resort hotel where the rich folk live)... He showed me his old high school... We got out of the car at Garden of the Gods in the middle of the night and he showed me how the silhouette from the moon's glow causes the mountain range to look like a sleeping dragon.

I mean, he is just an *incredible* friend. I was having a miserable angry day, but he managed to turn it completely around. By the time I crawled in bed, I had been able to redefine the day as a completely wonderful one.

I just can't deal with Frank's cycle anymore. Never has any man showed me such intense levels of alternating hatred and adoration. He said (and I am not exaggerating) that if I don't want to be his fuckbuddy - then he never wants to see my "whore ass" again.
It isn't a healthy friendship, and I am done.

I've got amazing friends: Cay, Pike, Panza, Sheila - friends who have never once told me to fuck off and die. I don't need him.

Colorado is officially starting to feel like home. I have a support network here unlike any I have imagined. It is made of "Yay".

So, there.

Ever have one of those mornings?

You know, the kind where you wake up - and all you can think of is:

"I am SO going to hell..."

Anybody?

Me neither...

From the Vault

Geocities File-Hosting is closing its doors. They informed me of this fact, because I had a shit-ton of image files there from 2004-2006, from the early days of Soulwindows.

I had to download and preserve them, for fear of them being lost to the internet abyss. Here are a few gems, resurrected from my past. Thought I'd share...

The banner from the Nostalgic Days of Seven Inches of Service - the amazing blog project headed by my favorite blogger of all time: Joan Crawford (Pen Name). Dearest Joan, I sincerely miss your fabulous posts and worldly guidance.


Lesbian Bottle Sex, from Drunken Scrabble Night the First.


The broken headboard from a particularly fantastic romp at the Best Western in Killeen, TX.


Sarie gettin her freak on with the Scarecrow.


Rules of the Matriarchal Dictatorship.


Self, as hot shit, circa 2005.


The small-town rabble-rousing flag incident of 7/4/05.


Oh, nostalgia.

The summer of '09

It is shaping up to be one crazy adventure of self-discovery and increased confidence.

This past week alone has been... Very outside of the norm for me.

Its hard for me to talk about in the public forum, because a lot of it is incredibly personal.

But suffice it to say, 2009 has proved to be life-changing.

Evolve.

So I've been *QUITE* social for the past couple weeks. Particularly more-so than usual. I've spent copious amounts of time with folks outside of work (by comparison to my normal patterns). As such, my sleep schedule has been a-sufferin.

I've done midnight swimming with Frank, coffee at Perkins with various sectors of "the gang", and spent a good chunk of a few graveyard shifts with Pike and his friends.

Of all the people that I have been introduced to since I started working at the call center - I am finally starting to feel like I consider some of them *my* friends, rather than Pike's or Cay's or whatever. I know it's kinda silly - but this is really big and new for me. I mean, I've been - of my free will - going out and doing things with folks I've met through Pike *without* Pike. (For the record, generally speaking, I tend to be an uber-flake...)

I think that last night was the first night in over a week that I have made it into bed by 2am. Apparently, I was more tired than my coffee-fed body had let on - because I rolled over half-asleep thinking it was maybe 9am - realizing that I had to leave for work in 45 minutes.
I've been staying up until *at least* 4 for a while now. Friday night I barely slept at all.

I'm just really thrilled with myself. I'm actually getting out of my apartment and living life... Maintaining friendships... Trying (and succeeding GRANDLY) at activities that would have sucked my soul out just 6 months ago.

I am evolving into a functional being.

I am enamored with life.

I have to fucking go to work now!

Manda

If you're born a lion, don't bother trying to act tame.

Well, I finally officially have my supervisor in semi-agreement to a schedule that somewhat resembles one that is loosely defined as "set".
She agreed to keep me at Wednesdays and Thursdays off, with Mondays and Tuesdays to be evening shifts. Friday is up in the air. It goes without saying that I have no chance of ever escaping the office on Saturdays or Sundays.

This way I can start thinking about the dreaded secondary job hunt. I don't want a serious job as a second job. I wanna keep it simple. Like, food service.

Technically, right now, I make enough money to get by. I can't make any fancy purchases. Tampons feel like a splurge...
But the bills are paid, and I have a roof over my head! However, I have determined that I will assume full rent payment by myself as of September. I've cut out extra expenses all over the place. Yet still, if I were to make full rent payment alone on my current income - I would have to give up groceries and driving. Neither of which are rather conducive to my situation.

So, naturally, a second job is in order. I mean, its either that or a roommate. But I kinda like living alone. And I don't know anyone locally whom I could tolerate living with, who doesn't already have their living arrangements sorted out.

The Sonic that Frank works at is hiring summer help. They have a mad amount of business in the summer due to their "happy hour" (cheap cold beverages in 90+ degree weather = win). I plopped in an application. Frank's getting hired there was crazy-easy. Even Lisa did. Allegedly they are trying to make all the carhops skate these days. And I'm kinda a klutz. So if that is the case, I won't be able to get on there.

I also put in an app at the Diner that Cleo, Pike, Cay, et al do late-night coffee at. I don't know if they are hiring, but our sweetheart of a late-night waitress offered me an application.

Colorado is one of those states that pays less than min-wage to servers, and expects you to make up for it in tips. But still. I really only need an extra $200 a month or so. Anything beyond that I am going to use to just pay down massive chunks of my debt... Try and get rid of it in a few fell swoops.

This plan worked when I did Walmart and Jack-in-the-Box simultaneously back in the winter of 07-08. I managed to pay my $1100 in tax/registration on my new Aveo within just a couple months.

I'm officially down to $1950 in debt, car excluded.

Once I get that taken care of, I fully aspire to get me one of them thar savings account doowoppers - and start saving for a deposit on a Manitou apartment.

Colorado is the place for me for this phase in my life. Colorado Springs? Not so much. Buuuut if I get a place in Manitou, I'll be as giddy as a schoolgirl - AND would be able to keep my job. Woo. Extra 15 minutes on the commute. I'll suck it up if it means I get to exist in an environment that inspires my soul.

So. Two applications officially in. I'll wait a week before submitting any more. I'm really only looking for a crap job right now, anyways. I don't want to leave the call center until I have been there an amount of time that looks respectable on a resume. Because my resume needs a bit of respectability... Desperately.

Plus, once I am debt-free I want to go back to school. Journalism, Teaching or Real Estate are the fields I've been kicking around. Thoughts?

Converter boxes and near-death-experiences

So, I came within inches of a super-bad car wreck yesterday. Nay, centimeters.

It was freaky. It took all of an hour to silence my pounding heart and catch my breath, afterwards. And it was in the exact same damned spot I almost crashed in the fucking blizzard! Unfortunately, it is the one main drag between home and work - so I can't exactly skip it.

It was moderately-heavy afternoon traffic. 40 miles per hour. I'm in the center lane. Some jackass in the fast lane decides to swerve in front of the Cobalt in front of me - completely cutting them off. They slammed on their brakes. I slammed on mine. Everything in my car went flying towards the front. (I spilled a shit-ton of expensive imported pouch tobacco...)

In a split-second I had time to breathe a sigh of relief that I didn't slam into the Cobalt - AND regain my sense of panic in remembering that there was traffic behind me as well. The sedan behind me braked within inches of me - but was instantly rear-ended, thrusting it forward so that we were mere centimeters apart. The car that rear-ended it was immediately slammed into as well. The collision was so freaking close to me that I FELT the impact, and choked on the smoke.

It scared the shit out of me. I mean, I know I wouldn't have died. But my Aveo DEFINITELY wouldn't have survived.

There were so many reasons that I should have been the center of that wreck. And I'm not exactly the higher-power type. All I'm saying is - it is pretty freaky that neither myself or my car ended up with a single mark.

In other news, I broke down and bought myself a digital converter box. I like having news around. I've been listening to a lot of NPR - which I ADORE - but I kinda miss laughing at cheesy local newscasts. Plus, PBS plays some pretty kickass stuff sometimes too. Its where I first saw The Chicago 10 (which, for the record, is AMAZING).

I got my coupon, so I ended up only paying $20, as opposed to the $60 it would have cost after taxes without it. Even then, $20 is a lot of money to me. That's a week's worth of groceries, or the better part of a full gas tank.

I had Frank set the fucker up, because... Well... Even whilst frolicking in the sea of independence - it is damned nice to not have to freak out about which wire goes where...

I turned it on at first, and got about 10 channels. The picture wasn't perfect, but it didn't bother me that much. The picture just kinda looked like an old VHS tape. I shut it all off to go swimming in the pool - come back, turn it on - and it is all fucked to shit. I get audio, but the screen is black with white/staticky bars rolling down it.

I rescanned, and it kicked back on with a terrible quality (but recognizeable) picture. I tried to change the channel - and got the same black screen with white bars. Unplugged and replugged everything. Repositioned the antenna about a million times. Re-scanned about a hundred thousand times. Every time I would get the same damned problem - the picture was shitty, and if I changed the channel - it went away. All the channels had audio - and some of the spanish channels even had COLOR bars that (if looking at it out of the corner of your eye and from a distance whilst squinting and standing on your head) somewhat resembled brazilian soccer matches. But I can't get a decent picture to save my life. I even tried a different antenna that I found in the closet with Lisa's stuff. Same story.
And its not like the transmitter is out of range. I can see it out my window on Cheyenne Mountain, as clear as day. Not to mention, I'm on the second story. I read the fucking manual. I read everything on the FCC DTV website. I even broke down and called the freaking hotline - where they proceeded to tell me that mud was made of water and dirt. Their best advice? Try pointing the antenna That-A-Way.

At this point, I think that both antennas I have are just old and cheap. But I got a more reliable picture on analog using the same ones. And I'm really not wanting to fork out the extra $20-50 to get a new sexy antenna. Because I just spent $20 on the damned box! I am, at this point, debating turning the fucker back in.

I mean, how much stress is a cheesy local news-show and some killer mashed potato recipes worth?

Gah. At least my car isn't wrecked. That's worth something, right?

Love isn't over when the sheets are stained.

Five years ago today, I met and instantly fell in love with the man who would forever change my life.

It took me about the same length of time for me to realize that this change didn't have to define me.

Meeting him brought about a painful barrage of emotions, stupid decisions (on both our parts), and mental breakdowns that would plague me for a good 21% of my life.

I wouldn't change a damned thing. All of the pain, the illness, the near-death experiences, the nights laying awake sobbing, the guilt, the self-loathing... I had to experience all of those things, in order for me to get to where I am now:

Happy.

At peace.

Yes, the journey sucked hairy goat nuts. And I tried to give up on more than one occasion.

But I stand before you now to say:

To have known him - it was worth it.

And to have learned to know myself - it was worth it.

I am thankful for every tear I shed.

I sincerely hope that someday they will find this level of peace.

Summer and Bliss

I'm a pretty happy person these days.

My perception of self-worth is at an all-time high.

The summer sun is out, and the weather is warm.

Afternoon thunderstorms roll in like clockwork.

The swimming pool is open, and I am pretty freaking happy to be a part of this world.

Last night I did coffee with Cleo, Panza, Emily and Sheila. I hadn't made it in the past couple weeks - so when I got the call from Cleo - I jumped in my car and WENT.

It was a great night.

Need proof?


Need I say more, sire?

I thought not.

Fools rush in.

I just finished watching the Obama Press conference discussing Iran.



I have a new-found appreciation for Obama's ability to cope with questions off the cuff. Oh sure, he stumbled and stuttered. Hell - at times he appeared even snappy towards the press.

During the Bush administration, I couldn't watch the press conferences. It was just too painful. Watching him work on the fly was the political equivalent of hearing a brutally hilarious racist joke; you were incensed at the injustices - but you couldn't help laughing.

The press was really handing it to him. Don't get me wrong - I am proud that civic responsibility has made a come-back in journalism. (About fucking TIME!) But I think they got a little carried away - talking over the top of him, and not allowing him to answer the questions at hand.

What annoyed me the most was the pressure from the press - pushing the President to make ultimatums towards the Iranian government.

On the record, the situation in Iran excites the shit out of me. Women who had lived under constant repression from the Morality Police have gained the courage to stand forth and face deadly consequences in an attempt to have their voices heard. The bravery and gumption going down in Tehran makes me want to wave my arms in the air Kermit the Frog style shouting "YAAAAAAY!!!!!"

As a disclaimer, I must note that I am NOT pleased that young people are being shot. And to be perfectly honest with you - I am nowhere near ready to make a statement saying that Mir Hossein Mousavi deserves the presidential position any more than Ahmadinejad. Fuck if I know, eh? I don't live there. I'm just as ignorant as the rest of the general US populus as to Iran's state issues.

I do, however, feel that we - as a global community - are bearing witness to an incredibly momentous event in history: a human rights renaissance.

As such, I have no issue standing forth and stating to the blogosphere that I applaud the non-violent protest movement in Iran.

Any time a person is willing to face their own demise in defense of that which they passionately believe - I feel that they command respect. Especially in our generation - in which clicking a button on Facebook can be defined as social activism.

Although I've never met the man personally, I feel that Obama's stance on Iran is mirrored to my own. He has stated that the situation is heartbreaking - and that the Iranian people need to know that we applaud their bravery.

Truth-be-told, I kinda feel bad for Barack. I mean he is stuck in a childish playground game masterminded by the press at large - and the Iranian government. I am absolutely terrified that the push and pull from those opposing forces of "he said/she said" will force us into yet ANOTHER war without exit strategy.

(The difference here being, of course, that human rights are MUCH MORE worth fighting for than imaginary WMD's or pre-emptive retribution...)

I was, overall, shocked that one of the reporters insinuated that the President didn't have a pair - because he hasn't demanded ultimatums from the Iranian government. It almost reminds me of the South Park episode: Tweek Vs. Craig - where classmates manipulate two students into a schoolyard rumble that neither side particularly wanted to partake in.

Yeah. The situation is so childish, that I have to cite South Park. It is that absurd.

I wanted to jump on the stage and hug Barack when he said (in essence) that he has not rushed into making demands of the Iranian government - because it is TOO SOON. I've got to find the exact quote somewhere, because it rocked my socks. But he said something to the effect of:
You all live in a 24 hour news cycle. I don't.

I mean, seriously kids. We live in a society where information is being thrown at us CONSTANTLY. And the speed has been cranked up ten-fold in the past few years - as the general population has had an ever-increasing access to mobile devices that can document and transmit photos, videos, and information INSTANTLY. We no longer have to wait for the morning paper or hourly broadcast to hear about something happening halfway across the world. We experience it... in real-time!

This concept is simultaneously fascinating and terrifying. We can't escape the bombardment of information surrounding these attrocities. We get all pumped up - feeling like passionate activists - and want to go do something about it RIGHT NOW. This new process completely blows past the necessary contemplation and reflection that a society MUST undertake before jumping into something as serious and potentially devastating as a WAR.

In conclusion...

Dear Mr. President,
I know you will never read this. But I want you to know that as an American Citizen, I am wholeheartedly thankful that you have the sense to give this matter the amount of serious thought that it deserves. Thank you for continuing to make me proud about the way in which my vote was cast.
Sincerely,
Amanda G. Toreson.

Reconnecting

Well, I have home internet again. I'm not paying for it... No sire.

Frank got himself one of those roommate fellows. As such, he is less poor. As such, HE can afford internet. So I am letting him use my wifi router in exchange for letting me leech.

And wouldn't you know it? His connection from downstairs is stronger and faster than mine was when the signal was coming from my very own router... Go figure. AND he is paying like, 1/3rd of what I was paying - because he is a "new customer".

Screw you, Comcast. But whatever. I have free high speed. He also got a video cable for his laptop - so we can watch Netflix Instant on his big flat-screen TV.

We are getting along a lot better these days.

No, we are not getting back together. But we hang out a lot - and I feel our friendship has never been better. Plus, his new roommate is cool. He gets food stamps, so the we have been alternating cooking food for one-another. Except Frank, who doesn't cook. So Frank will take us out for food every once in a while. Its a great arrangement.

I'm having fun with my life. After having been here officially one year (since yesterday) - Colorado is finally starting to feel like home. I'm still relatively discontent with my employment - but I feel that my sentiment is more closely correlating to the random shifts I have been working, than it is to the work ITSELF. It is hard not to be grumpy about your work when you feel like you never leave. The job itself is complicated - but it comes as a second nature to me. I know what I am doing. I've been trying to take on more responsibility with the accounts in order to work myself up to asking for a raise. I mean, I am still making only $9/hr to do several hundred people's jobs. I reach my one-year mark with the company in August. I think when I get there, I will ask for a raise.

One year sounds reasonable. Especially since I have been taking more personal initiative, and helping to train the newer folks. I mean, lately I have been unofficially acting as a Senior Operator when I get thrown into shifts with the 3-4 new people on staff. A lot of the times that I am there - I am the only one who knows how to do the alarm monitoring, and corporate-car reservations, and entering real estate listings into the system... Yet still - I am making the same wage as they are.

Another exciting bit: it is officially starting to feel like summer. We've gotten into the 80's the past few days. The leasing office claims that the swimming pool will be fixed and ready to use within the week. Which is fantastic, because - as previously stated - I swam every day last year.

Plus, the complex put in brand new picnic tables, and a stationary barbecue grill. Frank, Ryan and I are already planning some epic grilling. I mean, we don't particularly know HOW to grill - but if we are going to live in a climate where summer exists... I think we ought to learn.

In any case, I best be getting myself to the gym. I have to be to work in 3 hours. Luckily, it is a 7 hour shift - and my FRIDAY. (Whee!)

Waving From Such Great Heights: A Reflection on the Past Year

On June 18th, 2008 - I loaded all of my personal belongings into the back of my little blue hatchback, and drove East.



I left Crescent City - the only real home I ever knew - in pursuit of the latest form of the American Dream:

Survival.

People ask me all the time. Why Colorado? Furthermore, why Colorado Springs?

I answer honestly; it was my only real choice.

The month prior to my departure, I had lost my wireless sales job due to "low numbers". Truth-be-told, we ALL had low numbers. Recession will do that. Management wasn't particularly thrilled that I had the balls to stand before them and call them on their blatant violations of the California Labor Code.

Crescent City is a small coastal town near the Oregon border. When lumber and fishing numbers dwindled, the state put in a Maximum Security prison - Pelican Bay. The facility in and of itself is a mite legendary. It's SHU (Security Housing Unit) is commonly referenced and/or featured in Hollywood Cop dramas and television documentaries.

If you wanted to make a living in that town, you had two choices:

A) Become a Prison Guard.
B) Start a Meth Lab.

The only other industries present were the basic hospitality sectors. Highway 101 ran straight through the middle of the town - and lining it were various fast food joints and motels for people passing through... Minimum wage gigs.

Unfortunately, coastal real estate isn't cheap. Minimum wage doesn't provide any form of adequate shelter...
If you were lucky, you could find a landlord willing to rent a place to a whole group of friends. If not, you would have to get yourself knocked up so you could get on the wait-list for HUD assistance.

When I lost my job, I had no way to continue to pay for the fantastic cabin in the Redwoods that I had been lucky enough to land.
Having only an Associates degree (the highest level of education available in Del Norte County), the only place willing to take me on after nearly a month of searching was Jack-in-the-Box... Minimum wage, 20 hours a week.

That sort of pay would barely cover my car payment and insurance - let alone the $4.79/gallon gasoline.

Colorado Springs was an arm up and out of the figurative dumpster I found myself in. It was a completely unfamiliar way out, but I saw an outstretched hand and I reached blindly for it. It was the biggest leap of faith I have ever made in my entire life...

It was incredibly surreal, making my home here. Property managers bent over backwards to get you to lease their units - rather than looking at you as though you were an insolent child for DARING to seek shelter there. Everything is was cheaper than I had known in California: Gas, Milk, furniture... I went from application to interview to training at my present job within 24 hours' time.

Once the novelty of instant-gratification wore off, I started to grow weary of the Colorado Springs culture... Specifically, the lack thereof.

Strip mall after strip mall, spread out over miles of freeway... Hyper-Evangelism, attributed to the Focus On the Family crowd... Ultra-Conservatism, a direct result of the several military establishments that make their homes here.

Plastic people. Plastic ideals. SUV's on the freeway in perfect weather.

On top of this, I felt a complete absence of... something... within myself. Feelings of inadequacy and guilt tied over from the divorce... Lack of fulfillment in my relationship with Frank...

Overall, I was completely unhappy.

I hit a few destructive pot-holes on my quest to re-discover happiness. But those terrible circumstances opened my eyes to view my life in a way that I would probably never have seen on my own.

The fact of the matter is, I never grew up to be the person I had felt I was throughout my childhood. Falling in love changed me. More specifically, the foreign emotions that hitched a ride along with the greater ideal of being IN LOVE changed me. I became completely derailed by confusion in trying to cope with jealousy, betrayal, inadequacy... Sentiments that I had never truly experienced. I didn't date in High School or Junior high. My one true adolescent brush with love was squelched out by authoritarian intolerance and lack of humanistic understanding. (In other words, my parents weren't too keen on my stash of love-letters from a girl...)

Before Kris, I had never experienced the simplistic fundamentals of a romantic relationship. I made every rookie relationship mistake POSSIBLE. And to be honest, my heart breaks daily as a result of this acknowledgment.
I mean... I knew a bunch of asshole guys in my day... Why did I have to make the REALLY BAD mistakes with the wonderful one?

I realized that my failure in marriage drove me to seek comfort in co-dependency with Frank... To cling to a passion-less arrangement, out of some twisted desire to prove to myself that I COULD make a relationship work.

After a year of reflection, I now know - being in Colorado is the best thing that could have happened to me.

From these heights, I can see within myself the person that I had always hoped to become. From this distance, I can separate my self-perception from the reputations pinned to me.

In Colorado I am not Kris's adulterous ex-wife.
I am not Sarah's little sister.
I am not Mrs. B's kid.
I am not Vanderhoofven's rugrat.
I am not that slut who dated 3 guys out of the same group of friends.

In Colorado, I am AMANDA.

And I gotta tell you... It feels DAMNED good to own my identity.

Placing fingers through the notches in your spine.

(In case you hadn't noticed, I'm going through a huge "Aeroplane Over The Sea" kick. Neutral Milk Hotel is amazing.)

I haven't had much time to blog lately, on account of the fact that I have been working the most random shifts ever. It has been absurd. It was supposed to get better after a coworker got back - but it only seems to have gotten worse. Especially because Pike is now working Ren Faire on the weekends. My schedule has been packed with bizarre turn-arounds. 9 hours one day, 7 the next. Not to mention - this week I had 6 days straight. I guess I can't complain, because at least I am still getting consecutive days off... That is nice.

I went on a hair-coloring adventure this last week, as well. It wasn't ideal. And Mary would shoot me if she saw the end result. I went around to all of the local salons - and they all wanted to charge $80-$120 for the dye job I wanted... BEFORE tip. As previously mentioned: I am POOR.

That wasn't going to fly.

I was whining about it to Windy, and she mentioned that she had some professional bleaching kits that she had bought back when the game plan was beauty school instead of Nursing. I told her I was afraid to bleach my hair alone - so she said she would supervise. She mixed it up, started painting it on, and then LEFT.
So I was frantically starting to put on the rest... It was a horrific experience. My hair is so thick that by the time I finally got the mixture on half of my head - the other side had turned WHITE. I tried to let it sit - to let the second half catch up, but my scalp started burning like a motherfucker.

I rinsed it out, and ended up with a horrific mixture of white, yellow, red, and orange hair. I rushed down to the drug-store and bought myself a Medium Auburn-ish color, to try and tone it down and even it out.

I managed to achieve an even coloring... But it was ORANGE. Have you seen the Fifth Element? Yeah. Like that. It actually looked kinda bad-ass, but it was so intense that it washed out the rest of my features.



So I bought a dark auburn color to cover it up - but left a couple of Orange chunks beneath... Because I honestly liked the color.



It is definitely not ideal... To say the very least. But at least now it won't frighten children.

I'll probably eventually just flat-out dye it black again later, but for now I feel my poor strands need a rest.

Luckily, tomorrow is only a 7 hour shift... And my friday.

I will sleep, and it will be good.

With the needle that sings in your heart, catching signals that sound in the dark

Once upon a time, I was trapped in a blizzard. It was a pretty terrifying day for me.
Luckily, off-duty cop came and rescued me.

Apparently, this same off-duty cop was in an extremely serious motorcycle accident - and it doesn't look like he is going to make it.

I didn't know the guy all that well, aside from the small-talk we made in his hummer - making our way through the abandoned traffic.

But, the truth is - he saved my ass. And as such, he deserves respect.

Thanks, Tom. Godspeed.

Thunder & Jewy-ness

I love thunderstorms in Colorado.

The lightning strikes SO CLOSE...

When the thunder crashes, it shakes the buildings.

At work, an error message flashes in our operating system every time a large lightning bolt strikes. When you see that little red alarm in the computer, you know you have a split-second to brace for an epic boom.

The rain isn't much to speak of. At least not to someone raised in the Pacific Northwest. Colorado Springs is literally a desert in the mountains - so the precipitation is pretty weak. April/May are the areas "super-rainy" months according to the locals. It has been raining frequently... If you want to call this rain. It will fall lightly for approximately 10-15 minutes at a time a few times a day.
Every once in a while we'll get 5 minutes of legit downpour - and it will REALLY feel like home. Problem is - the local infrastructure is nowhere near competent enought to accommodate for REAL rain. If you are unfortunate enough to find yourself DRIVING when real rain hits, you can BLINK, and all of a sudden find that the road has become a river.
If Colorado Springs ever saw one full day of rain, Crescent City style, FEMA would have to be called in.
And of course, people 'round here FREAK OUT in rainy conditions - and start going 20 mph under the limit to avoid hydroplaning. It sucks being stuck in traffic during a downpour. It takes twice as long to get anywhere because everyone is white-knuckling their steering wheels.

Spring is running particularly long this year.
Or maybe it just feels like it, because our apartment complex STILL hasn't opened the pool. Apparently, it is broken and a part is back-ordered to fix it. I absolutely CANNOT wait until they open the pool this year. Last year I swam every day. It's the only time that I can be pain-free without drugs. Not to mention, it gets pretty damned out here. (Dry heat, but still...)

In either case, it seems as though we had warmer weather back in February/March than we are having now. As much as I am enjoying the nostaligia that rain brings about - I am ready for a little freaking sunshine. I want to be outside a little. It was bleak and drizzly for my two days off this week, so I spent the whole weekend cooped up doing crazy art projects and watching movies. I guess it was all for the best, because I have been so fucking broke these past two weeks, I seriously have like a 6th of a tank of gas to my name.

I went to visit with Fambly yesterday, cuz Dad is in town. Windy sent me home with some left-overs and some canned meat to get me by until Friday afternoon when I get paid... Were it not for that, I would have seriously been eating green beans out of the can for two days straight. No matter how many expenses I cut - I seem to be getting poorer and poorer.

These next two paychecks are (in theory) going to help. Usually the middle two paychecks go to Insurance, Cable, and my various credit card/hospital debt. Since I cut cable - and should be getting a refund from them around that time - a lot of that money should be MINE.

And I am debating which way would be more responsible to spend the extra money:

• A) Stocking up on a shitload of groceries and household supplies so that I don't have to go skulking to my parents to EAT.
• B) Paying off big(ger) chunks of my debt that usual.

And of course, a HUGE part of me is feeling desperately irresonsible, and wanting to dye my hair. My roots are grey, the tips are black, and the hair inbetween is mousy brown - save for the chunks that *used to be* bright purple, but now have faded into an uneven kinda silver-ish/lavender. It looks trashy. But I'm no good at spending money on myself. Its the Jewish heritage. Too much guilt involved. Luckily, the other part of the Jewish heritage contributes to my epic bargain-shopping skills. Maybe I can find some sweet deals on groceries, and still splurge on some hair dye. Mary will kick my ass for dying it at home, but I just plain can't afford a professional dye job.